Am I jealous, envious or a liar?
Why does she have that guy? Why is she more successful? Why is he in love with her and not with me? Why does she get better treatment? How come she gets to have three kids, and I cannot even get pregnant? Why she got promoted, and I got fired? She's my age and why does she make millions of dollars and I'm stuck with my stupid job? Why, why, why..... Is this being jealous or is this being envious?
What's the difference between jealousy and envy? Can you be jealous of a friend, sister, colleague or is it only sentimental? If you ask anyone, they will probably come up with a different answer, but specialists agree on this. Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute, and it's enjoyed by someone else. Jealousy, on the other hand, arises when something we already possess is threatened. Long story short, envy is a reaction to lack something and jealousy is a response to the threat of losing something.
Why is it important to know this? Honestly, I have felt both, I've been jealous, and I've been envious, and then I felt terrible for feeling that way. I was jealous of a third party without having to be and envious about a colleague's success. Later I learned it is not bad to feel either, if you guide your thoughts and emotions properly and you don't, by any means let that emotion rule you. These emotions are good for awareness, that's why it’s crucial to strip each emotion and reveal its cause and deeper meaning so you can understand yourself and work on it.
Mel Robbins, a well renowned motivational speaker, says: “You can be in a space where you can be happy, and you are thrilled for someone you love and care about and respect because you’re watching them have their dreams come true. And if you also feel jealous, what that means is that’s your unrealised dreams are trying to get you to pay attention. It’s not about hatred for the other person."
“Jealousy is basically your dreams saying ‘hey’, that is something that you care about. ”
What would happen if you consciously decide to swift from jealousy or envy to admiration? Quick answer: You will automatically feel better. Yes, you can make it a conscious decision. For example: While going through your Instagram feed instead of saying: "Bitch, why does she have such "perfect life"!", "I wish I were travelling as much as her" or "why does she have so that body" work on saying: "Good for her, she can see the world, I will do it as well." Or "wow she works out a lot, I should start doing the same if I want her body." At the beginning you make that intentional decision, everything other people have, and you don't it has come with a cost. While she works out, you perhaps watch Netflix. Don't believe that the one with the fit body, eats the same, and binge watches the same - it takes courage and effort, to be honest, ask yourself if to have what you want you are willing to pay the price?
Admiration is beneficial; it can help us challenge ourselves and set a path for who we want to become. The problem arises when we start comparing ourselves to who we admire and want to become who we are not.
The ego feeds itself off of our comparison to others, and comparison emerges thanks only to our doubts, fears, and insecurities. In my case, because of my doubt and fear, I allowed myself to feel good about a friend's picture on Instagram with her perfect family but not good about Gal Gadot at the Oscars looking gorgeous. Why? Because I thought I wanted that.
As human beings, we tend to mislead our interests and end up lying to ourselves to justify our position. Sincerely, I was not willing to go to a hundred auditions, watch what I eat, and publicize my life, plus read the same script 100 times to memorize it in order to become an actor, for christ sake I don't even like acting in the first place. I thought I wanted what Gadot has because I saw on social media the popularity and results. I was only interested in the outcome, I don't like it, nor I was willing to exert the effort to get there. When we pursue the road of comparison, we end up feeling depressed, angry, and everything in between.
Before you compare yourself to others, you must work on being honest with yourself. Once you have clarity on who you are, and know what you really want you will feel free to admire others, and you will be truthful about it, and those real and kind thoughts, such as admiration, will automatically bring you joy.
Jealousy and envy fuel by problems within yourself, mainly fear and self-doubt. Next time you start feeling jealous or envious take a step back, don't allow that thought walk free, analyze who you are, ask yourself what you really want, and be honest about what are you willing to do to achieve it.