EMOTIONS & GROWTH -INTERVIEW-

Only certain people can understand what to love an addict feels like. Just "certain" because not everyone is married or in love with, has a parent, a family member or a friend who has succumbed to an addiction. Loving an addict is not only hurtful, but it's also depressing for their loved ones. It's not just them who become an addict; the family gets dragged into a wearing emotional roller coaster.

Daniel, - to respect his privacy we modified his name- was a sweet little boy, born into a caring family, filled with love and support. That had no limitation for his need to try drugs, for over a decade Daniel has been kidnapped by crack, and till this day he is fighting for his freedom.

Karina is Daniel’s younger sister, and she always looked up to him; he was her idol, her accomplice. They were ever so close; when he was not consuming he was fun, loving and sensitive, he was the one person who always looked after Karina, until his curiosity made him try marihuana and there was no turning back.

Karina was still a young girl when she heard her parents talking in the kitchen about drugs. Old enough to comprehend what drugs were but not old enough to know what the family was about to be dragged into.

After a few years of the initial and constant stress because of Daniel’s increasing consumption, the worse that could happen, well, it happened. And that is life when you think you cannot deal with anything more painful it hits you with what hurts the most. Daniel and Karina unpredictably lost their father. Added to that initial pain Daniel’s addiction spun out of control, and broke the family apart. Till this day, ten years after their father’s death, Karina believes Daniel was using that pain to justify himself, to explain his behaviour, his addiction.

Karina and the whole family were finding different ways to cope with her father’s absence, the grief was so profound she had no idea how to keep on living without him, how could she ever be happy again, how could she ever laugh again, love still, and get through that pain that was consuming by the second. Her mother, her sweet mother, she had lost a husband, and now she was slowly witnessing how she was losing a son despite all the effort and support she had always given her son. Her mother is has turned to be Karina’s greatest inspiration in life, her strength, her way of coping with pain, facing life, perhaps she suffered more than anyone, yet she was the more grounded one.

Since Karina’s early years she had always dreamed of a big wedding and how her father would give her away that special day, but life's plans shattered the idea. She had been living with her boyfriend for seven years, and when she came across the concept of marriage the slightest thought of not having her father next to her that day, not been able to dance the father-daughter ball frightened, paralyzed her. She no longer wanted what for many years she dreamed of.

Her boyfriend always wanted to get married, and even knowing were Karina stood, he was brave enough to propose, planned the whole thing very romantically in New York City. But that split of a second when he popped the question and was waiting on one knee for her answer, Karina filled with fear could not avoid thinking of her father, the idea that he wouldn't´t be able to share that day with her. She was brave as well, and entirely sure she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She said yes. Karina couldn’t hold the thought of wanting Daniel to join her that special day.

Although he was no longer the same man, because of the news of Karina's engagement, Daniel decided to support her sister, he fought his addiction and stopped consuming as many times before. Karina's hopes boosted. "Maybe, after all, I thought my brother had changed, I had hope now, he might be present at my wedding."

A few days before the wedding day, Daniel did it again, he knew how important that day was for Karina, yet he couldn’t control it. He fell off the wagon. Like venom, crack made Daniel's essence leave his body. He was no longer himself, and the love and many other fantastic characteristics he had were vanishing, like many addicts he shifted to only see for his convenience to keep on consuming. Karina knew the drill, the drugs were calling, so Daniel had to be submitted into a clinic Karina all she could think about is how he wouldn't be able to be next to her as he had promised.

Karina's wedding was a magical wedding. It was on the beach at dawn, more than a hundred friends were laughing and chanting for the newlyweds and the most important she felt the love of her father next to her every single second. Thanks to her bravery and overcoming her fears, that day Karina managed to turn that pain she felt into love, she filled herself with affection and gratitude for her mother, her pillar, she was the one who gave her away that exceptional day, and it turned out to be one of the happiest days of her life. “The pain of my father’s absence will always be present, but I started to live my life, for myself and my father. Every day I think about him and how proud I want him to be of me.”

“When we become codependent we begin to justify their behaviour, even knowing is not right.”

— KARINA

Karina's wedding was a cathartic day for her. She had learned a lesson, and she knew she could not keep on justifying Daniel's behaviour, as she would become ill as well. "When we are codependent we believe we have the power to save an addict."

It gets to the point that an addict -if not wanting to be helped- to keep consuming they learn certain skills, they will cross many boundaries to get their hands with substance. Daniel already knew those skills, and certainly knew how to use them, he learned to victimise himself through lies, he blackmailed everyone and became a master of manipulation.

Many times to cope or avoid pain we justify the behaviour of our loved one, and Karina for many years defended his conduct until one day she felt she had to make peace with the idea she could no longer do anything for him, Daniel will only receive her prayers and love. “Nobody saves who doesn't want to be saved.”

But life is not a movie, one thing is to know what should be done, and completely different is to block out your emotions. Although Karina was sure she had made the right decision of not supporting her brother's way of life and lies, it wasn’t easy to follow. She was continually sad, angry with life, and most of the time she only wanted to be on her own. Sometimes she wouldn't hear from Daniel in months, and that anxiety of not knowing if he's okay or not, alive or dead is a living hell. Karina was emotionally worn down, out of the depression she would get sick and wouldn't manage to get out of bed in days, she couldn't tolerate the idea of losing another loved one.

Karina's knew she had to be brave and overcome pain for the one person that has been next to her all her life, her mother, and now for that man that has loved her and supported her through good and bad, laughs and tears, her husband, and for all the people who loves her. Overcoming depression was her solo job to do, she understood that the only one who could help her, was herself, as she said: No one can be helped if they don't want it in the first place. So all the hatred, all the questioning to life or God, all the claim, she managed to turn into hope. Karina hangs on to life, to her life. She accepted the situation, knowing she could not change it and began to take care of herself, she started to meditate, do yoga and pilates, and read a lot about life and happiness, books that inspired her.

Karina reckons sad days will always come, but the idea of one day receiving a phone call from her mother saying: "Daniel is dead" keeps hunting her, and that now is her biggest fear, and till this day to overcome that pain and fear she consciously listens to the thought and tries to suppresses it with love and faith, hoping Daniel is and will be okay.

To Daniel: "Brother If only you could hear me, forgive yourself, start loving yourself. You are the only one that can save yourself from that hole of darkness you live in. It won't be easy but the people that love you will be waiting for you, your family is here waiting to live by your side. I forgive you, and I will always, always love you."

Many thanks to Karina, who was brave enough to talk about her situation and share it with Emotional Bitch. Maybe you can learn something from her experience, we all have emotions, we're just too afraid to talk about them. If you want to reach out to Karina, you can write your comments in the comment section, and she will get back to you.

Loving an addict.