"What we want the most, is what we fear the most"
Photo: @ap_pollo
Have you ever had the sensation you are in this world for a reason? That your life has a purpose and you are afraid you won't be able to figure it out? I just finished writing a book, something I always dreamed of doing but never had -I want to say I didn't have time- but honestly, I didn't have nor the dedication nor the bravery. Why is it that what we want the most is what we fear the most? I discovered a simple reason: We are too afraid to fail at it. Indeed I was scared of not being good enough, not talented enough, qualified enough, and that fear paralysed my writing for two long years.
Fear, fear is a very sneaky emotion. Fear can appear disguised as anger: "I can't stand one of my husband's colleague, she’s a bitch." The core of that emotion might be that you are terrified of losing him and that sensation of loss is making you react angrily. Maybe it represents itself as sadness: "I'm 35, and I'm not married." Perhaps is the idea of the future that frightens you, what are your parents going to say, your friends, or even worse, fear that they might be something wrong with you, and that's why you cannot find someone. Perhaps it manifests negatively: "I'm good at nothing” or “I will never be recognised in this nor any other job." But in essence you might be afraid to be trapped in a purposeless job that is nor nourishing nor challenging, it just makes you feel empty. However fear unveils -if not aware-, fear can have a paralysing and adverse effect. The truth is, no one will come and take away that fear that you feel, it is a 100% up to you to identify it and get rid of it before it takes over. Will Smith often says:
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real, but fear is a choice.”
And I couldn't agree more, but sometimes it’s difficult, and we allow a simple IDEA to rule our lives. I have no idea yet if my book is good or not, not good enough, bad, or fantastic but as simple as it may sound how would I know if I don’t even start writing. And if it’s not, I know I have to practice that one thing to be good at it.
Get out there take a dive into life and live, find time to do what you are afraid of the most if you fail and fall you'll know how to get up again, just please whatever you do don’t let a thought, -that might not even be yours- paralyse you as it disabled me for a long time. Not necessarily undermine your dreams, it can also sabotage minor/everyday tasks like not opening the mail because you are afraid to read some bad news, or not texting the guy you like because you will come across as “needy”, or even show yourself vulnerable in front of that person you want to be with. I didn't start going out with my fiancee until he knew I was also vulnerable and not a rock, as I pretended to be.
Here are 5 simple steps to start removing fear:
1. Recognise what you are really afraid of:
Identify what your fear based on is? Someone else's behaviour? Someone else's opinion? Lack of your performance? Fear of the uncertain future? Give it a name. Go deep inside your heart and mind and in a sentence try to identify what is that you are afraid of.
2. Question yourself, what happens if I let it go?
Once you have identified the fear, and it has a name, ask yourself, what would happen if I let go of my concern? -For me, this was a terrifying sensation.- Many times we anchor to emotions because we think we need them to survive. Who would we be without them? By victimising yourself, you are permitting yourself to feel fear.
3. Answer yourself, what you can do to change it?
What is the result you are so afraid of? Can you change it? Most likely you won't be able to change other peoples behaviour, but you can communicate your fear. -If that’s not an option for whatever reason you may feel-, then try to let it go, and allow the events unfold in front of you, and accept the consequences. Don’t try to control everything around you. Perhaps nothing of what you thought would happen will happen, why? When releasing the tension of fear, you automatically will be more logical and flexible thus your behaviour will equally align and there will be different results.
4. Stop feeding the beast:
You have already identified the fear; maybe while identifying it, you discovered that the one thing you were afraid of it wasn’t what you thought it was, or that there are several origins to that particular fear which intertwine among many other sensations. This step is tough but not impossible; you have to be very aware of your thoughts though. Whenever you feel the fear is arising, -which needs your attention to survive-, willingly change your approach. Repeat to yourself: “I have already thought about this and I won't let fear manage my behaviour”.
5. Do it again, as many times necessary:
Fear is not something you eradicate in a blink of an eye, or in a day, depends how much energy you have put in your worries how much energy they'll need to come out. Each time you feel that sensation of fear in your stomach, that anxiety, your heart rising, your breath accelerating because your negative thoughts overrule you, stop for a sec and again analyse your primary fear, write it down and go through the rest of the steps one more time.
Meditation is the one thing that helped me get to the core of my fear, helped me understand where the thoughts were coming from, so I recommend you start meditating as well, at least 10 min a day.
You are the sailor of your ship we call life. Is only up to you to guide yourself through uncomfortable currents to find peace. It’s your responsibility, no one else, take ownership of your life and live free of fear. Take a few minutes, slow down, listen to yourself so you can live life at full speed.