EMOTIONS & GROWTH -INTERVIEW-
Cecilia, 32 years old.
“When I met Sara I didn’t understand, I wasn’t sure If I liked her. I just knew I couldn’t be away from her. ”
Before Cecilia met Sara she was engaged to a man, the engagement only lasted four months but she had been going out with Carlos for over two years. In that period of time she figure out she was gay, she got pregnant and came to accept she was one of those women who is in a toxic and deteriorating relationship.
Cecilia thought engagement meant the beginning of something, but in her case it meant the beginning of the end. Her relationship with Carlos became worse by the minute, he was disrespectful and she became neurotic. Cecilia feels he had this necessity of treating everyone else better than her. Even when they were friends - before their sentimental relationship- she says he was a gentleman, but soon after the intimate relationship began he turned into this aggressive human being, everyone deserved to be treated with respect but her.
“ One day he locked me in the bedroom, he was in the house and wouldn’t open the door. After 20 minutes of fiddling with the knob, I finally got out.”
Who looks someone in the bedroom she questioned her self over and over again. That was not enough, she forgave him. After two months into the engagement, she found out she was pregnant, she was 30 at the time when she broke the news to him, he replied by saying: "I cannot help you with your baby right now". Cecilia says she could understand that it wasn't the right time, but what she could not get her head around was his reaction. "What the hell does he mean with my baby? It is our baby!" Soon after she took the decision to end the pregnancy, and form that day on she knew she could not count on him. She had an abortion because she did not want her baby to grow up without a father. That was the end of that relationship, but now it also meant the beginning of self-awareness.
Cecilia just changed jobs, it was her first week at the new one, during that time she had noticed a very beautiful girl, full of energy, and very outspoken, her name was Sara. Cecilia has always been quite introverted so Sara's energy automatically drew her attention.
Each time Sara talked to Cecilia her hands began to sweat, her heart began to pound so hard she thought it would pop out. Cecilia admits she had already had crushes on other women before, but never paid attention to that voice inside her head, she had learned to numb it down. Always afraid of being judged. But this voice was different, it was too powerful.
How Sara made her feel, was new. She could not control it, she could not control her thoughts around her, she just wanted to be near her, all the time. Cecilia was extremely confused.
“Do I like her? I mean, do I like a woman? Wait a second, that makes me gay right? But I’m not gay or I am?”
Cecilia decided to google what she was, she says, and indeed, she found out she liked girls but also men. She was bisexual. After the first breakthrough, she began to wonder how on earth she was going to communicate to her family and friends, she was now bisexual?
But before facing that enigma, she needed to find out if Sara the woman she was falling in love with, was also gay, as is not a given. Cecilia had already felt some sort of connection but she had doubts, she didn't know if she was just a good friend, it was a simple platonic friendship or there was a physical attraction.
She got to know her more and more, and some information began to pile up. Sara liked some series and movies where the main characters are lesbians like the "L world". Actually, that was the pretext for Sara to invite Cecilia over to her house the first time, to give her that series to watch.
Once at her house Cecilia couldn't hold it any longer, so she went ahed with it.
“Sara, I need to tell you something.” Cecilia shouted out.
“What is it?” Sara turned and looked at her with wonder.
“I have no idea if im right or wrong, if this is good or bad, but fuck it… I like you?” Cecilia said.
“I like you too Cecilia.” Sara replied, with wonder in her eyes.
“I like you, like you. I’m falling in love with you!”
With intrigue now Sara asked, "how do you know I would be interested in you?"
"Well I don't, I think you like me but I’m not sure you are into women, but I had to tell you, I cannot hold it any longer."
"Well..."
Cecilia interrupted her though walked over towards her and kissed her. She replied to the kiss in a euphoric way.
They began to see each other and Cecilia had never been so in love. For the first time in her 32 years she felt free.
“ Coming out of the closet is like coming out of the darkness, you finally see colours, you finally begin to live.”
Now the challenge began, being honest to the people she loved about her sexual preferences. Sadly her mother found out in a very dramatic way.
"I cannot forget her face, I don't think I will ever," Cecilia says, referring to her mother's face when she walked into the room while they were making out. "It was a face of disgust mixed with confusion." With time her mother had to learn to respect her decision. Cecilia says her mother still claims she turned gay because of her deception with men, mainly because of her bad experience with Carlos. Cecilia has explained to her that is not the case, she had always felt this way, she just never found the courage to say it. Cecilia has hope her mother will come around it one day and fully accept her daughter.
Cecilia was in love and happier than ever she says, but nothing is a given in life. The relationship didn’t last long, and although it was a difficult decision they needed to part ways. Cecilia was heartbroken of course, she had changed her life upside down for Sara. She went trough a lot but after some time she figured it out, it was not Sara’s responsibility to make her happy, it was her own. She will always thank Sara for crossing her path and helped her set herself free.